couple therapist

Love’s Balancing Act: Thriving Despite Different Relationship Needs

Different needs in relationships

Is it possible to have a good relationship when your relationship needs are different? A good relationship is a community that is built over time – despite your differences and different needs in the relationship. It offers love and intimacy and can be a safe emotional base that creates well-being in a joyful friendship. It also contains sadness, difficulty, anger and struggle. It’s part of life. However, with a partner by your side, it’s easier to share the pain, anger and sorrow, and learn from crisis and adversity. Feeling known, loved and appreciated ensures a calmer nervous system, good quality of life and a longer life.

If marriage can do so much, why do half of all marriages end in divorce? Many of those who “stick it out” even stay together in stuck, loveless relationships. Why do they stay together? For the sake of the children, because they don’t want to be alone, or for the sake of finances or social standing?

Perceptions about love

The best answer to the question is about the ideas we have about a successful relationship.

At the altar we promise each other to stay together “till death do us part”. A realistic promise 100 years ago, when there was no gender equality and many women died in childbirth. What young person can imagine what it would mean to stay with the same partner for the next 70-80 years? It’s a big promise to take on. Some would argue that it’s almost psychotic to promise to love each other for life. Min kæreste prioriterer mig ikke! We change, and feelings change. So what does it take? Is staying together for a lifetime even a criterion for success? What is the cost?

Couples therapy for infidelity

Respect for diversity and different needs can be learned

Firstly, a good relationship requires acceptance and cultivation of diversity. Difference is a prerequisite for good contact and a source of enrichment and fascination. Healthy connection takes place in a dynamic interplay between being fully present together – and withdrawing and resting when you’re apart.

Without diversity, two become one – stuck and with no room for growth. Yet, there are many examples of couples trying to erase their differences and become one. There are 3 classic strategies here, all of which are equally bad:

  • Adapting to the other and giving up on yourself.
  • Withdrawing and abandoning the other.
  • Trying to change each other. The mother of all wars.
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Conflict and diversity

Conflict is a way of trying to eliminate differences by making the other become like me.

Most conflicts have to do with how couples deal with differences rather than the content of the differences. The question is how the couple works together – openly and equally. It’s hard to work together if there is no real equality, if power is unequal, or if both parties don’t engage and put themselves into play. Connecting can be learned – by engaging with the differences.

Standing on your own two feet

A good relationship requires two people who each stand on their own two feet, and most of the time are able to support themselves and fulfill their core needs. These two people are a match if there is enough overlap between their interests, values and way of life. When you love each other, it’s possible to make many compromises. But if you have to compromise too much, the relationship ends in divorce – or an unsatisfying relationship. The shoe can be good enough, but it’s important that it fits the foot.

The capacity for intimacy

Intimacy doesn’t just mean sexual or romantic contact. Intimacy doesn’t require sex, romance, softness or sweetness. It can be, but it can also be an intimate struggle. Intimacy is a state that requires that together we don’t have to be wary of what we say or do. We have a safe map of shared experiences and knowledge of each other. We are free to think and feel and say what we want in each other’s company. To be intimate is to feel yourself and each other and be fully present.

Ability for intimacy

Intimacy does not only mean sexual or romantic contact. Intimacy doesn’t require sex, romance, softness or sweetness. It can be, but it can also be an intimate struggle. Intimacy is a state that requires that together we don’t have to be wary of what we say or do. We have a safe map of shared experiences and knowledge of each other. We are free to think and feel and say what we want in each other’s company. To be intimate is to feel yourself and each other and be fully present.

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Merging together

Two becoming one and merging is one of the most wonderful things we can experience. But the merging becomes problematic if it becomes stuck, because then there is no movement and no change. This happens when one – or both – lose touch with their own needs and over-appropriate or pleasuring the other. The pleaser only shows his nice and friendly side outwardly and suppresses his own needs in anticipation of rejection or in aversion to conflict. He says yes – when he means no.  This can end in an explosion – understood as divorce – or implosion, where the pleaser resigns themselves to living in a loveless and insecure relationship. Depression and stress can follow.

Being together in the moment

What works in a good relationship is being able to live in the here and now, balancing contact, withdrawal, merging and intimacy. The important thing is not to get stuck in one position, but to be able to switch flexibly between them. You can support each other in this by showing respect for different needs. So you can withdraw from contact when you need peace and rest. It solves an eternal human dilemma: being attached to someone else – and preserving yourself.

What can we promise each other?

If we promise to love each other forever, we risk having to break our promise or lie to each other. We can promise each other to commit to each other and commit ourselves. We can’t know how we’ll feel tomorrow or in 10 years. We can promise to be authentic and supportive and present when we have problems and we can promise not to leave each other. While we can’t promise to stay together forever, we can promise to be there for each other. We can take responsibility to treat each other with respect and care, because it’s a choice.

Is it necessary to be in control of yourself?

We always bring our own history and experiences of failure and disappointment into relationships. We have our own preferences and attitudes towards life, and no one is perfect. It’s human nature. It’s not necessary to have all your own stuff figured out in order to be equal in a relationship. We all have blind spots. But relationships force us to look at our own stuff. The same thing happens when we have children. It has to awaken something in us. All sides will come out – the good, beautiful, sweet and ugly sides. Couples who seek couples therapy almost always have an individual unconsciousness that inhibits cooperation, or in some situations prevents a fluid and good contact. There can be a lot to be gained for the couple by clearing up their own limiting beliefs and unconscious material. That’s why I offer tailor-made combination programs with couples therapy and individual therapy in parallel. It works well.

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Key takeaways:

  1. Acceptance of diversity is crucial for relationship growth
  2. Healthy relationships balance togetherness and independence
  3. Equality and open communication are vital for conflict resolution
  4. Compromise is important, but excessive compromise can strain relationships
  5. Intimacy extends beyond physical aspects to emotional presence
  6. Flexible transitions between connection and autonomy foster relationship health
  7. Self-awareness and personal growth contribute to stronger partnerships

What can couples therapy do?

In couples therapy, couples are made aware of why they do what they do, how they talk past each other and what this means for their well-being.  Some couples are like the microbe that lives on the red stop sign. It sees the whole world as red! In couple therapy, the couple is offered new ways to experience themselves, each other and the world.

Can a relationship thrive when partners have different needs?

Yes, a relationship can thrive despite different needs. The key is accepting and respecting diversity within the partnership. Successful couples balance togetherness and independence, communicating openly about their needs. They maintain a flexible dynamic, allowing for both connection and autonomy, which fosters growth and mutual understanding in the relationship.

How important is intimacy in a relationship?

Intimacy is crucial in a relationship, but it extends beyond physical aspects. True intimacy involves emotional presence, feeling safe to express oneself freely, and sharing experiences without judgment. It’s about being fully present with each other, whether in moments of joy or struggle, and maintaining a deep connection despite life’s challenges.

What role does personal growth play in a relationship?

Personal growth is essential for a healthy relationship. While it’s not necessary to have everything figured out, addressing individual issues and unconscious patterns can greatly benefit the partnership. Self-awareness helps partners communicate better, resolve conflicts more effectively, and contribute positively to the relationship’s overall health and longevity.

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